Posts
I wanted to compile
a couple blogs around pregnancy, but I really didn’t want to say the same thing
that everyone else says. It only takes a
couple weeks surfing the preggo apps and websites before they all start
sounding the same and you get entirely freaked out that everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. So take a break from the giant Pregnancy
Guide you bought, prop your feet up, and hopefully have a chuckle or two!
When the sperm
meets the egg…
You can get
pregnant the first time. No matter how
long you’ve been on birth control.
Preggo Tests
These little f-ers are hard to read, I don’t care what
anyone says! (And no, not hard to read
like I can’t follow directions. The
lines can be so faint. Surprisingly faint. For some people.) My best advice, if you see any second line or plus sign or whatever…you
could be pregnant. Listen to your body
and your instincts and take another one in a day or two. Or spend the money on the fancier kind,
unlike this cheapskate.
Fatigue
Every book, app and woman will tell you that first trimester fatigue will hit you hard. Believe all of them! Pretend your 1st tri is like running a half marathon every day, after climbing 40 flights of stairs and swimming Olympic laps for an hour. You will feel this tired. Actually I lie a little - you won't feel this tired, you'll be napping away the entire afternoon as if you were this tired. Just another thing I don't understand about pregnancy since your baby is the size of a berry at this point - but you don't feel this way when you're carrying around a small watermelon in month 9?
Every book, app and woman will tell you that first trimester fatigue will hit you hard. Believe all of them! Pretend your 1st tri is like running a half marathon every day, after climbing 40 flights of stairs and swimming Olympic laps for an hour. You will feel this tired. Actually I lie a little - you won't feel this tired, you'll be napping away the entire afternoon as if you were this tired. Just another thing I don't understand about pregnancy since your baby is the size of a berry at this point - but you don't feel this way when you're carrying around a small watermelon in month 9?
Nausea
This will be different for every single woman, and I've heard for every single pregnancy. You will experience it in some way or another, whether it's a 0.2 or 10 on the pukey scale. Mine didn't hit me until 6.5 weeks and stayed until the 15th, and I didn't vomit once. Other women get it before their pregnancy test will turn positive, and some women claim they experience none except for a little sniffer disturbance while in the meat isle at the grocery store. Either way be prepared to have some level of nausea that will be unique to you. The closest I came to throwing up happened at 28 weeks, so this symptom can also rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Just keep a prep kit in your purse - mouthwash, crackers, ginger candies, and of course a barf bag.
This will be different for every single woman, and I've heard for every single pregnancy. You will experience it in some way or another, whether it's a 0.2 or 10 on the pukey scale. Mine didn't hit me until 6.5 weeks and stayed until the 15th, and I didn't vomit once. Other women get it before their pregnancy test will turn positive, and some women claim they experience none except for a little sniffer disturbance while in the meat isle at the grocery store. Either way be prepared to have some level of nausea that will be unique to you. The closest I came to throwing up happened at 28 weeks, so this symptom can also rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Just keep a prep kit in your purse - mouthwash, crackers, ginger candies, and of course a barf bag.
Mental Retardation
You will have this.
You will forget everything. You
will forget that you’ll forget everything.
It’s worst in the 1st tri but extends through the whole
pregnancy, and then those little buggers called children will suck the rest of
your intelligence out of you. Make lots
of lists; I carried pens and small pads of paper in my purse and car. And just forget about worrying about forgetting
things. Juggling a baby and work and
marriage and life will lead to much forgetfulness anyways!
Tit Stuff
Your boob transformation will happen right away, even though you won't need these changes for several months. First, your boobs will HURT, I mean it's unreal. This is one of the first ways to tell you're pregnant: you'll be geared up for PMS breast tenderness but instead multiply that by 17. Then your boobs will swell, and swell...it'll take your whole first trimester but be prepared to grow out of all your bras by the end of these first couple months. Finally, your nipples will fly away to a foreign land where they will stay until after you've had the baby, and be replaced with someone's from a 1978 National Geographic Magazine. They get dark and big and totally different shaped and textured, again reiterating that it makes no sense for this to happen now since this is all breast feeding prep...and voila! Before you even have a baby bump you'll have had a complete boobie transplant!
Your boob transformation will happen right away, even though you won't need these changes for several months. First, your boobs will HURT, I mean it's unreal. This is one of the first ways to tell you're pregnant: you'll be geared up for PMS breast tenderness but instead multiply that by 17. Then your boobs will swell, and swell...it'll take your whole first trimester but be prepared to grow out of all your bras by the end of these first couple months. Finally, your nipples will fly away to a foreign land where they will stay until after you've had the baby, and be replaced with someone's from a 1978 National Geographic Magazine. They get dark and big and totally different shaped and textured, again reiterating that it makes no sense for this to happen now since this is all breast feeding prep...and voila! Before you even have a baby bump you'll have had a complete boobie transplant!
Appetite?
This one will come up for each tri, because it
drastically changes throughout your pregnancy.
Equate your 1st tri appetite to that of a 2nd
grader with the flu. That’s all that
will sound good to you. No meat, no
veggies, no spices, no ethnic cuisine.
Think Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup and Triscuits. On a good day you might be able to stomach
half a Hot Pocket. Don’t be surprised if
you lose a little weight this tri. Don’t
be surprised to gain it all back in a week as soon as your “morning” sickness
is over. (PS morning sickness is a
crock; most women experience it later in the day or evening. You could also call it empty-stomach
sickness, which is great because remember how you don’t have an appetite to eat
anything?)
It’s a bird, it’s
a plane –
It’s your sense of smell.
Superman ain’t got nothing on you here.
You will smell things that your dog would walk past without
noticing. You will ask your husband to
wash his feet after taking off his shoes.
He should not get offended by this.
His feet will still smell to you after he showers. You will ask him to brush his teeth 4 times a
day. Again, he should not get offended
by this. Make a game of it and see how
far across the house you can smell him opening a jar of pickles. My guess is your upstairs bathroom…
No-No Foods
There’s a big long list and you’ll be quizzed on it
later. False. Well, there is a big long list, but I recommend
looking over the list, writing down what you commonly eat on the list, and hang
that on your fridge. The rest is all
food you probably won’t end up craving or eating during your pregnancy and will
stress you out with worry. My list was:
runny egg yolks, raw seafood and all shellfish, brie and blue cheese, and deli
meat. Oh and alcohol. They frown upon that I guess.
Exercise
It’s recommended you maintain your exercise regiment
throughout your pregnancy until your Dr. tells you otherwise. It’s also OK to drop the ball on this
completely. When you’re as sick and tired
as most women are during 1st tri, exercise sounds like the nine
circles of hell. Just do what you can
when you feel up to it, take it easy when you don’t. If you watch your eating and stay active you’ll
be fine. No one expects you to look like
Alessandra Ambrosio during or immediately following your pregnancy. (Or after?)
I know women who gained 60+ lbs. during their pregnancy and have rockin’
bodies now! I also know women who have
amazing momma curves and stretch marks and look otherworldly radiant. You’ll see this theme throughout, but stress
is worse for your baby than trying to starve yourself or find energy for that
extra mile on the treadmill.
The Big Secret
When you find out you’re pregnant, and that pregnancy is
welcome, you want to shout it from the rooftops. But you know the statistics and you plan on
waiting until your 8 week ultrasound or you hear the heartbeat or you reach 2nd
tri. This plan will only stay in place
for those people that you do not see on a daily or weekly basis. Everyone else will probably figure it out by
then if they have half a brain cell. And
no – this doesn’t devastatingly ruin your big baby announcement plans. Just prepare yourself to get really good at lying,
avoiding everyone you care about, or hope that these people are close enough
friends/family that they will also be by your side if anything unexpected does
happen.
Is this for real?
Yes. But don’t be
surprised if you go through many phases of “is this really happening to me?” There were a lot of times in my 1st
and 2nd tri where I didn’t “feel” pregnant and started to
worry. Until the baby starts kicking
daily (3rd tri) this is a perfectly normal feeling to have. It doesn’t mean you’ve lost the baby. (There is that
feeling however so don’t totally ignore your instincts and the signs.) Every month you’ll get to hear the heartbeat,
and little tickles and flutters will start happening soon. The best thing for the baby is to keep your
stress level down. The second best thing
for the baby is to fully accept that this is happening to you, so get that nursery
going!
The Language of
Preggo
You’ll start learning lots of new words that you won’t
pronounce correctly and won’t remember what they mean. This is Preggo Language. I am not fluent; I know just enough to get me
from the airport to my hotel and order a Mai Tai from the pool boy. You do
not need to remember all these terms. What
you will have to do is start talking in weeks.
Everything is measured in weeks: to start you out there are 40 in your
pregnancy. You’ll get the hang of this
just in time to start talking in months once your baby is born. (“He’s 23 months old.” God damnit, talk like a grownup and tell me
he’ll be 2 next month!)
