Sunday, January 20, 2013

I Only Do What Pinterest Tells Me To Do

Yahoo!  You've done it again.  What’s with your terrible, illegitimate drivel you call “articles” anymore?  I used to come to you for advice, support, and an all-around good belly laugh.  But now you frustrate me to no end with your lack of discretion when it comes to your live feed of top reads.  So now I must come out of blog retirement to set the record straight, that once again, I am better than you and your shitty writers.

So let me break it down for my readers, who clearly outsmart your readers by at least 30 IQ points.  The lackluster Shine article “The 10 Decorating Trends You Wish Would Go Away” brought to you from readers like you, has paved the way for this gem of a top ten list from your favorite critic savant.
Here is the real “Top 10 Decorating Trends That Raise Your Blood Pressure” – you know, for those of us who don’t realize there are bigger things going on out there…

1.       LABELING – In case you forgot what you put in that clear Mason jar, write it down!  The new “Put a Bird on it” is now “State the Obvious.”  Yes, that is Cap’n Crunch in there.  And I realize that the primary purpose of the kitchen and dining table is to consume food; hell my entire house could say EAT, I’d find a reason to fat-out anywhere.  So unless you have a 6 year old with Downs, quit describing your entire household inventory with chalkboard paint.  And Live, Laugh, Love won’t bring your ex-husband back.
chalkboard labels

2.       POM POMS – Clearly a decoration only carried out by single women.  Even the most metrosexual male would never let a Pom enter his household unless it contributed to a Cheerleader sex fantasy with the Mrs.  (Or Mr., because equality… but that wouldn't make sense then would it?)

3.       PALLETS – I’ll admit I was on board with this one from the get-go.  Chic old shit used as new shit – Hello!  Anyone else who tried a pallet as shelf/coffee table/chaise lounge realized within 3 minutes that those frickin boards will never, ever come apart.  That bitch is built to stay.
pallet bookshelves

4.       LADDERS DRESSED AS… – A bookshelf.  A towel dryer.  A pot rack.  I can do all things through ladders, except climb on them.  Did this start as a solution for all those extra ladders you had lying around?  It did for Mrs. Fireman, and she put those wobbly wooden ladders to good use, taking a stand against orchard farmers everywhere!  So if you have a thing against gutter-cleaning and tree-trimming, then this is the fad for you!  

5.       CHEVRON – Because I am gaga for it, and I want to be original, so everyone else needs to stop liking it!  (Same goes for Pendleton everything, back off.)

6.       CLOSET TURNED OFFICE – Am I going cray cray, or is it just me?  My opinion of #adultproblems is a lack of storage space; my opinion of #shoppingaddictproblems is that there will never be a closet big enough to fulfill my dreams.  So when I see people turning their closets into office spaces I can’t help but have a grand mal seizure.  You would actually give up that precious asset known as home value to transform it into a den that you will never use because you don’t have a real job and your bills are automatically paid online?!  Give your kid his closet back and buy a desk like the rest of us.
created at: 08/03/2011

7.       RECLAIMED/RECYCLED FURNITURE – “What an eco-thoughtful idea!” – All Portlanders.  “I think there’s an extra digit on the pricetag.” – All Portlanders.  Shouldn’t saving the planet and Old-Englishing a Goodwill find be cheaper than buying new?  Oh, I’m sorry, you mean 4 times as expensive.  17 times more if you compare it to the price that the goddamn dresser sold for in the first place.  What’s the best part about reclaimed or recycled furniture?  Splinters.

8.       OPEN CABINETRY – There would be no better way for me to announce to guests that I haven’t done dishes in a few days and none of my dinnerware matches.  I think I’ll pass.  Then how else would I paint my cupboard doors like its 1974 or swap for frosted glass like 1992?

9.       PAINT CHIP ART – Benjamin Moore had to introduce an entire training manual dedicated to the Loss Prevention of paint chips.  “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’d appreciate it if you purchased something in lieu of taking those 1.2 million free paint chips from our store.”  Calendars, lamp shades, even wedding invitations!  You can do it all with colored squares of paper.  Except convince yourself that these are acceptable pieces of decoration.

10.   LAUNDRY ROOM BONANZA – Extravagant laundry rooms make you think you’ll spend more time doing laundry… Let’s get real.  Who has a 200 square foot laundry room to pimp these days?  I sure don’t.  I’m lucky enough to fit a shelf in my W/D closet turned Computer Room.  I also know if I ever get around to remodeling the least important room in my house, I’m going to opt for an Energy Star front-load washer before I stencil “Looking for my Sole-mate” on the wall, announcing our current missing sock phenomena.