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Yahoo! You've done it
again. What’s with your terrible, illegitimate
drivel you call “articles” anymore? I
used to come to you for advice, support, and an all-around good belly
laugh. But now you frustrate me to no
end with your lack of discretion when it comes to your live feed of top
reads. So now I must come out of blog
retirement to set the record straight, that once again, I am better than you
and your shitty writers.
So let me break it down for my readers, who clearly outsmart
your readers by at least 30 IQ points.
The lackluster Shine article “The
10 Decorating Trends You Wish Would Go Away” brought to you from readers like
you, has paved the way for this gem of a top ten list from your favorite critic
savant.
Here is the real “Top 10 Decorating Trends That Raise Your
Blood Pressure” – you know, for those of us who don’t realize there are bigger
things going on out there…
1.
LABELING – In case you forgot what you put in
that clear Mason jar, write it down! The
new “Put a Bird on it” is now “State the Obvious.” Yes, that is Cap’n Crunch in there. And I realize that the primary purpose of the
kitchen and dining table is to consume food; hell my entire house could say
EAT, I’d find a reason to fat-out anywhere.
So unless you have a 6 year old with Downs, quit describing your entire
household inventory with chalkboard paint.
And Live, Laugh, Love won’t bring your ex-husband back.
2.
POM POMS – Clearly a decoration only carried out
by single women. Even the most metrosexual
male would never let a Pom enter his household unless it contributed to a
Cheerleader sex fantasy with the Mrs. (Or
Mr., because equality… but that wouldn't make sense then would it?)
3.
PALLETS – I’ll admit I was on board with this one from the get-go. Chic old shit used as new shit – Hello! Anyone else who tried a pallet as
shelf/coffee table/chaise lounge realized within 3 minutes that those frickin
boards will never, ever come apart. That
bitch is built to stay.
4.
LADDERS DRESSED AS… – A bookshelf. A towel dryer.
A pot rack. I can do all things
through ladders, except climb on them.
Did this start as a solution for all those extra ladders you had lying
around? It did for Mrs. Fireman, and she
put those wobbly wooden ladders to good use, taking a stand against orchard
farmers everywhere! So if you have a
thing against gutter-cleaning and tree-trimming, then this is the fad for you!
5.
CHEVRON – Because I am gaga for it, and I want
to be original, so everyone else needs to stop liking it! (Same goes for Pendleton everything, back
off.)
6.
CLOSET TURNED OFFICE – Am I going cray cray, or
is it just me? My opinion of
#adultproblems is a lack of storage space; my opinion of #shoppingaddictproblems
is that there will never be a closet big enough to fulfill my dreams. So when I see people turning their closets
into office spaces I can’t help but have a grand mal seizure. You would actually give up that precious
asset known as home value to transform it into a den that you will never use
because you don’t have a real job and your bills are automatically paid
online?! Give your kid his closet back
and buy a desk like the rest of us.
7.
RECLAIMED/RECYCLED FURNITURE – “What an
eco-thoughtful idea!” – All Portlanders.
“I think there’s an extra digit on the pricetag.” – All
Portlanders. Shouldn’t saving the planet
and Old-Englishing a Goodwill find be cheaper
than buying new? Oh, I’m sorry, you mean
4 times as expensive. 17 times more if
you compare it to the price that the goddamn dresser sold for in the first place. What’s the best part about reclaimed or
recycled furniture? Splinters.
8.
OPEN CABINETRY – There would be no better way for
me to announce to guests that I haven’t done dishes in a few days and none of my
dinnerware matches. I think I’ll
pass. Then how else would I paint my
cupboard doors like its 1974 or swap for frosted glass like 1992?
9.
PAINT CHIP ART – Benjamin Moore had to introduce
an entire training manual dedicated to the Loss Prevention of paint chips. “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’d appreciate it if
you purchased something in lieu of taking those 1.2 million free paint chips
from our store.” Calendars, lamp shades,
even wedding invitations! You can do it
all with colored squares of paper. Except
convince yourself that these are acceptable pieces of decoration.
10.
LAUNDRY ROOM BONANZA – Extravagant laundry rooms
make you think you’ll spend more time doing laundry… Let’s get real. Who has a 200 square foot laundry room to pimp
these days? I sure don’t. I’m lucky enough to fit a shelf in my W/D
closet turned Computer Room. I also know
if I ever get around to remodeling the least important room in my house, I’m
going to opt for an Energy Star front-load washer before I stencil “Looking for
my Sole-mate” on the wall, announcing our current missing sock phenomena.
