You Probably Think this Blog is About You

Every night without fail, Mitch and/or I surf our Facebook feed to see what our friends, family, and other associated people are up to.  (By “our Facebook feed” I do not mean that we share a Facebook account.  I have made a lot of really stupid decisions in my life and that is not one of them.  But it’s too early to be parenthesesing so I apologize.)  Mitch always points out some fool’s Facebook status that has a personal cell phone cam shot, most often taken in a bathroom,  and an even more ridiculous caption for it.  We let the first few go, but have recently noticed some horrible repeat offenders.  Mostly on Mitch’s Facebook; I have long deleted or “hid” these types of Facebook statuses.   Stati?  Which reminds me that there’s a few more I’ve seen popping up on my feed recently…

Sometimes these people are random acquaintances, old high school classmates, previous employees, etc.  But sometimes, embarrassingly, these people are close to us.  I would ask Mitch constantly “why do they do that?”  “Do they think it’s cool?  Do they think they look good?  Do they think I care?”  And then people would comment on the picture!  Mitch’s conclusion: it’s a very serious Facebook phenomena or culture going on.

Now as a certified Folklorist,* I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I hadn’t thought of it first.  But after watching certain people take these pictures over and over again, and then to watch the same other people continuously comment on these pictures with positive remarks, it was obvious that there was some sort of subculture going on in the Land ‘o Facebook that I was not a part of, did not want in any way shape or form to become a part of, but desperately wanted to know about!  I will, however, admit to you that my desire to study these creatures merely masks my true desire of publicly humiliating them.

When researching several subjects, I was able to document multiple similarities between them:

Have the subjects obtained a high school diploma or GED?

-          Yes

Have the subjects received any higher education?

-          No

Do the subjects have biological children?

Subject ages 19-29

-          Yes

Subject ages 30+

-          No

Subject ages 12-18

-          Maybe

Subject’s Facebook relationship status?

-          It’s complicated

Subject’s actual relationship status?

-          Divorced

-          Trying to be remarried Sunday through Thursday

-          Single Friday and Saturday

Subject’s Facebook “looking for” status?

-          Anyone

Subject’s actual “looking for” status?

-          Anything

Male subjects’ role models:

-          Quentin Jackson, Bret Michaels, Mel Gibson

Female subjects’ role models:

-          Angelina Jolie, Camille Grammer, Snookie

Besides my subjects’ questionnaire, I interviewed Erin, Michelle, and Nick.**  Actually, all of my subjects were willing/begging to interview but I clearly just don’t have the time to listen to all these idiots and chose three subjects at random for my case studies.  Here are relevant excerpts from these interviews:

Me:  How often do you post a photo that you’ve taken of yourself on Facebook?

Erin:  Well, I take a picture every time I get ready to go somewhere.  Like work, school, or when I go out.  And if I like it or think I look hot, then I post it.  I made my stepdad install dimmers throughout the house so I could get better lighting for my pictures.

Me:  When did you post your first self portrait on Facebook?

Michelle:  About two days after I joined Facebook.  I realized that these new friends didn’t know what I really look like, you know, like how I look like every day.  So I started posting pictures so they could see the real me, like they actually knew me.

Me:  Why do you post these types of pictures?

Nick:  So my boys can see what they up against, and so the chicks can see where I’m going tonight and what I look like.  And so my baby momma can see where I’m going tonight and what I look like.

Me:  Is there an “unwritten” rule that these photos must be taken in a bathroom and at a slightly downward angle?

Michelle:  Yes.

Nick:  True dat.

Erin:  Show’s the cleavage better.

Me:  Do you think that your Facebook “friends” care if you post a picture of yourself?

Nick:  The ladies do.

Me:  No they don’t.

Michelle:  My friends back at home do.

Me:  Not Really.

Erin:  I don’t care if my Facebook friends care.

Me:  Obviously.

After speaking with these three individuals, and receiving hundreds upon thousands of questionnaires, I began to piece together the answers behind this Facebook subculture.  At first I was looking at it all wrong; my obsession with my own self caused me to believe that these creatures were posting these pictures for me, when in all reality they weren’t for me at all!  I was coming down with a fever!  A fever that made me believe that my Facebook feed was reality, that I was actually conversing with these people on a daily basis, and that it was quite ordinary for me to know their innermost personal thoughts and daily step by step actions.  I only realized this fever after performing my own research on myself, and through rigorous and lengthy interviews (sometimes 24 hours at a time) I was able to learn that I had on more than one occasion reminisced a memory or piece of juicy gossip with a fellow Facebook friend that I wasn’t actually a part of or directly told.  “Remember the time we went to Costa Rica, and we met Julio who offered to drive us to a secret waterfall that only he knew about for our honeymoon and I took tons of pictures of you and your husband and it was so gorgeous?!”  “Did you hear that Allison and Kari are hanging out again?  They went shopping on Saturday and then went to sushi for lunch and are pretending that nothing ever happened and Kari actually asked Allison to be in her wedding?!”

During this time a scientist friend*** of mine offered to do some urine and blood samples and other tests for me on several of my [volunteer] subjects.  His findings were more than I could have ever deduced using my tried and true Folklore research principles.  This wasn’t just a Facebook phenomena, it was a genetic disorder!  All research subjects carried the same genetic disorder, and at least one of their parents did as well.  My scientist friend researched every book and article he could find on this disorder only to conclude that though it had previously been recorded, no further data was ever examined and it was ruled an “inconclusive, recessive” disorder with no “history of side effects or life-inhibiting traits.”  But I knew there was some connection!  I did not carry this disorder, the scientist did not carry this disorder, nor did Mitch, my mother, or my step-cousin in Santa Cruz (who I had anticipated might.)

The scientist explained to me that my subjects all had a similar occurrence to their white blood cells.   The body, which usually uses white blood cells to fight off infectious disease and foreign materials, was actually trashing its white blood cells.  Even though the subjects had an adequate number of white blood cells, at least 50% of them were trashed, making my subjects less protected against things like illness, disease, class, and better judgment.  It wasn’t their fault that they were falling victim to this Facebook portrait subculture; it was merely an exact match of new technology and an unidentified genetic disorder which made them succumb to the sickness without even knowing it.

Though we have not yet found a cure for White Trash, the scientist and I are currently submitting our most recent formula, a suppressant, to the FDA.  Its primary ingredients include college coursework, table manners, and self respect.

*Author is not actually “certified.”

**Names have been altered to protect identities.  These interviews never actually took place.

***Author is not acquainted with any scientists, nor knows what a scientist actually does.

A Very Civil War: U of O A Cappella Group Takes on OSU

It wasn’t a Civil War for the ages, but tell that to the crowd at the sold out McDonald Theatre on Saturday night.  Friends, family, and fans from all over the Willamette Valley gathered for the light hearted sing-off between the University of Oregon’s On the Rocks a cappella group and Oregon State University’s Outspoken.  The night was broken up into four sets, with On the Rocks starting and ending the show. 

Both groups started with a casually attired set and ended with a more formal one, each, of course, sporting their respective university colors and logos.  While a majority of those in attendance were most likely OTR fans (due to the show’s Eugene location) Outspoken received just as much applause after each song.  The crowd, who perhaps expected Outspoken to be blown out of the water by The Sing Off contestants, was pleasantly surprised.  Outspoken certainly brought their A-game.

The night for On the Rocks fluctuated dramatically, performing a shaky “Eye to Eye” from A Goofy Movie followed by an incredible “Señorita” by Justin Timberlake.  Their remix of “Demons” by Guster was less exhilarating than their usual cover that brings me tears every time I hear it.  But I guess that’s to be expected; On the Rocks has been singing that song for more than five years now.  OTR selections included “Bad Romance/Poker Face,”  “Lullabye,” and “Live Your Life.”  Against my expectations “Call Me a Duck,” their “All the Above” U of O remix, was not performed.  But original songs from their latest album, A Fifth, were.  It’s OTR’s fifth recorded album, produced by founding member Peter Hollens.  OTR sang a couple other songs that I wasn’t familiar with, which made me think that a cappella is more enjoyable when you hear covers of your favorite songs, and more impressive when the group writes their own. The guys were their usual quirky selves, each one 20% actor and 80% vocal artist.  They’ve really refined their onstage presence; their antics are never overwhelming but have the right amount of comedic timing.  They seemed more comfortable with the audience than Outspoken did, often times exchanging a couple one liners with louder audience members.

Outspoken’s shyer demeanor may have attributed to the show being located on OTR’s turf.  Many of their songs started quiet and timid, but the guys generally got into their groove somewhere around 30 seconds into each song and ended them on a strong note.  They performed some classics like “Change the World,” “Macho Man” which included a slight striptease, and “Go the Distance.”  “Ghostbusters” seemed a little generic until they appropriately remixed it with Michael Jackson’s “Bad” which was as seamless as their surprising mix of “Would You Go with Me” by Josh Turner and “Africa” by Toto.  “Zoot Suit Riot” was a mildly funny choice to me since the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies hail from Eugene, but at this point Outspoken had won the crowd over and no one seemed to care about the irony.  Not surprising since Outspoken placed third in this year’s International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella.  “Hurt” – the Johnny Cash version, and *NSYNC’s “I Thought She Knew” were outstanding performances as well, and Outspoken livened their stage performance up with “Breakeven” by The Script.

Considering both groups’ recent successes it would be pretty tough to pick a winner, which wasn’t done at the Civil War show.  Unlike UO/OSU athletic rivalries, OTR and Outspoken were amicably promoting the talent of a cappella groups in both schools, rather than furthering the rift between them.  On a side note, if I had to pick a winner, I would say that Outspoken’s song choice was better than OTR’s, but OTR’s stage performance was stronger…which isn’t really choosing a winner, but they’re both winners in my ears.

http://www2.registerguard.com/cms/index.php/guest-bloggers/comments/a-very-civil-war-uo-a-cappella-group-takes-on-osu/

First Show at Matt Knight Gets Eugene Fired Up

Not your typical Sunday night on Franklin Blvd. to see thousands up people lined up, but the Matthew Knight Arena brought thousands of fans anxiously awaiting the venue’s first concert performance.  Hosting four bands, doors opened early at 5:30 and promptly began an hour later.

New Medicine kicked off the event killing the lights and filling the arena with an apocalyptic recording, causing fans to scream and maybe panic.  In fact, all four bands opened their acts with this style of frightfully fun intro, one of many resemblances they all shared.  New Medicine immediately amped up the crowd with their pop/punk hits like “Race You to the Bottom” and “Laid.”  Their song “Rich Kids” was extremely popular with the crowd, and slightly ironic with the giant University “O” looming above as they sang about parents paying for college degrees.  They slowed down their set just long enough for “Little Sister,” a ballad about the loss of lead singer Jake Scherer’s, you guessed it, little sister.  New Medicine, formed in 2009, had a surprisingly polished set, and their catchy lyrics and energetic beats were a perfect fit for the younger audience and a great way to start the evening.

 Matt Brady from New Medicine

Hollywood Undead ran onstage next, after a siren-blaring, heartbeat pounding, creepy children singing recorded intro.  Their six MC’s and drummer kept the energy level and fright factor high, not removing their monstrous Halloween masks until after their second song, playing on a Ying Yang Twins lyric singing "wait til you see my face".  Hollywood Undead had a minimal number of instruments onstage, but after Da Kurlzz jumped on a second drum kit and the other MCs traded off a keyboard and guitar, a more dynamic sound appeared, showcased during their song “Paradise Lost.”   They did not, however, have a minimal number of band members on stage, causing a few to mosy off at times, either because it was too crowded or they were too cool.  At the end of their set, half the crowd joined them in singing “Everywhere I Go” which seemed to impress and excite the band that so many knew of their song.  Hollywood Undead resembles the vocal dynamic of Linkin Park with explicit party lyrics like Eminem’s, making them more suitable for a slightly older audience than New Medicine’s.

Stone Sour was next and brought a more mature rock sound to the mix.  Their newest album, “Audio Secrecy,” has a much heavier metal vibe to it than their previous albums, but their set included a variety of songs from all three, giving their audiences a taste of each of the music genre’s they can give.  Lead singer Corey Taylor dominated the stage, and after seeing Hollywood Undead’s masks I realized how nice it was to see Taylor’s shining Stone Sour face rather than his Slipknot garb.  It seems Stone Sour is really finding their groove again, and their upcoming single “Say You’ll Haunt Me” is going to be a hit.  The most musically relevant moment of the night was when Taylor performed a solo version of “Bother,” and I was thrilled to see the rest of band rejoin him for “Through the Glass.”  

Finally it was time for the big Finale.  The Nightmare After Christmas 2011 tour ended in Eugene, and the entire production was as flawless as a live show could be.  The curtains dropped for this one, and, as expected, Avenged Sevenfold started their reign of terror with no lights and the piano intro to their latest album’s title track “Nightmare.”  As soon as the curtains lifted, a man dressed in street clothes with a noose around his neck jumped from the stage rafters and writhed through the air as A7X entered the arena.  The young man hung there, limp, as all six minutes and fourteen seconds of “Nightmare” continued, finally being carried offstage by extras.  This in no way fazed anyone in the audience except for maybe me, and the show went on.  (It was clear the actor had a harness around his waist and no immediate fear of heights or terrible accidents.)  This stunt was my f***ing nightmare, which was exactly the point of the entire album.

 A7X

Then came the fire!  And explosions, smoke, and fog.  The stage was elaborately decorated in oversized cemetery gates and tombstones, and multiple mini-stages were the providers of these pyrotechnics.  You could feel the heat as A7X continued playing through “Nightmare’s” tracks and the audience sang every single word along with them.  I was pretty much the only audience member who had not purchased a “your f***ing nightmare” tour shirt, as well as being the only audience member annoyed that they were playing almost all “Nightmare” songs.  By the time A7X played their sixth “Nightmare” song, I was no longer awed by all the shooting flames, but aggravatingly depressed that I may never again hear “Eternal Rest” or “Chapter Four” live again, or even “Bat Country” for that matter!  This was sinking in when The Rev’s tribute began.  Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan was the band’s drummer since the incarnation of A7X in 1999 and in 2009 died from an inconclusive heart failure/possible drug overdose.  He was indescribable live, and though their touring drummer Arin Ilejay certainly got the job done, The Rev’s shoes are hard to fill. 

 Fire everywhere!

And then they did play “Bat Country!”  Not my favorite song from the “City of Evil” album but by far the most popular.  It gave me hope…that “Unholy Confessions,” by far my favorite and one of the most difficult A7X songs, was soon to follow.  And it was!  I jumped up like all the other seventeen year olds and sang with glee!  After attempting to ignite the crowd into a violent mosh pit (which didn’t happen) A7X exited the stage only to return for their first encore with “Fiction” from, what else?, “Nightmare.”  “Fiction” featured a piano, with no player, and spotlights on it, which didn’t have any significance that I could imagine.  Then again, I’m no longer a die-hard A7Xer.  Their second encore was to play “A Little Piece of Heaven” which I can’t believe is even a song that they take seriously (it sounds like a ditty from a Tim Burton movie), let alone end their entire tour with.  But again, everyone sang along and did *NSYNC style “Bye Bye” hand motions with lead singer M. Shadows.  Not exactly the A7X I once knew, but these new fans were clearly providing something that the old fans didn’t.  And that something would be funding for show ending fireworks.

http://www2.registerguard.com/cms/index.php/guest-bloggers/comments/first-show-at-matt-knight-gets-eugene-fired-up/

Eugene Gives Amos Lee and Crew a “Theatre Feel” at the McDonald

Amos Lee and Vusi at the McDonald Theatre, January 22^nd, 2011

Wintery Oregon air was nowhere to be found inside the McDonald Theatre Saturday night when opening artist Vusi took the stage with warm South African soul music.  His solo performance included just an acoustic guitar and a mic (sometimes a soapbox), but his mix of upbeat, socially aware tunes packed more than your average one-man-show punch.  If anyone was in a poor mood when they arrived, they were certainly smiling by the time Vusi’s set was done.  And after his first song, crowds here to see Amos Lee cleared from the lounge and entryways to hear his message.  Vusi, an activist/poet who still lives in his native country and has close ties with Nelson Mandela and Dave Matthews, really found a connection with the Eugene crowd, and was a perfect introduction to the main act.

Once Amos Lee and his band entered, girls went wild.  I overheard a female fan declare “I want to make out with his voice” and male fans got agitated when other concert go-ers blocked their view of the stage.  Everyone was ecstatic and men and women, young and old were swaying, clapping, and singing along.  Fairly impressive for an artist who’s currently releasing his fourth studio album. 

Lee was joined by an ensemble of seven, featuring two backup vocalists, a keyboardist, and a pedal steel player.  The set was a mixture of a solo acoustic sound which resembled his latest album, Mission Bell, as well as a full band sound with everyone on stage grooving together, keeping the audience amped up.

A few songs into the night Lee proclaimed to have a “shattered voice” after asking the crowd how he sounded.  Apparently the Portland show from the previous night had taken its toll on the band, who did not seem nor sound affected.  When I asked Andy, the pedal steel player, how the show felt in comparison to Portland, he said that “every show has its charm, and tonight’s was great; more of a theatre feel than a club feel.”  Sometimes that’s bound to happen at the McDonald Theatre, I guess.

The audience wasn’t fazed by the comparison, nor was Lee when an attendee shouted loud enough to be heard over the music “don’t touch me!”  Lee comedically carried the theme throughout the rest of the show with fans following suit shouting an additional “touch me!” here and there.

The band briefly left the stage to let Lee perform “Out of the Cold”, a song on Mission Bell he wrote after playing for wounded American troops.  When they returned they brought Vusi with them who sang “Jesus” and did the song wonderful, blues justice.  The encore featured a guitar-less Lee, who, with his glasses and plaid, had a very Robert Downey Jr. effect.

After a flawlessly executed performance there should be no doubt as to Lee’s talents and loyal fan base, and hopefully sales of Mission Bell, which releases January 25^th, will attest to that.

http://www2.registerguard.com/cms/index.php/guest-bloggers/comments/amos-lee-and-vusi-at-the-mcdonald-theatre-january-22nd-2011/

That Which By Any Other Name

The other day while at work, I came across a patient’s name that I had never seen before.  Not just at my work, I mean I’d never heard of the name in general.  For the sake of HIPAA policies and that there might only be one of this person in the world, I can’t actually disclose his name, but when pronouncing it I had a choice to make: pronounce it exactly as it looked or pronounce it more…well, ethnic.  Our office sees patients all the time from various countries, so I made my best attempt at pronouncing his name Spanishly.  Well unfortunately this patient wasn’t Spanish, and I chose the wrong path.  I needed to go the phonetic route.  His mom politely corrected me with a twinge of “not again” in her voice.

Well lady, I’m sure your kid’s name means a hell of a lot to you, but it makes me feel like a real asshole when I say someone’s name wrong.  Especially when their parent, who chose this name above all names for their beloved child, is a witness to my misspeak.  This got me thinking about all the names I come across in a single day that are ridiculous, and how often I look like a jerk when I botch them.  Someone needs to tell these people to get real; your kid is going to hate their name as much as I hate saying “Hoo-ball” out loud as if it’s a real moniker.

Like some of my previous blogs, I’ve come up with a few simple guidelines to follow when naming your child, and have jotted them down on a stone tablet and gifted them to you, my readers, so that you may not be blind, but now see.  And I agree with baby-naming websites and books when they say: write down the potential baby name and have a person/persons close to you give their opinion.  It will give you wonderful insight to how the real world may embrace, or not, your child.  Don’t believe naysayers when they tell you that this will only make you dislike your baby name because someone you know will know a Jenny back from high school that they loathed more than all creatures and will forever hate all people with Jennifer derived names and therefore you couldn’t possibly be thinking of naming your son Jenny!  (I do hate all people with Jennifer derived names.)

Rule #1: Don’t get too creative
Yes, your new baby should be the most important thing in your world, and I know you just can’t seem to find the words to describe your joy.  (By the way, don’t name her Joy.)  But don’t attempt to make up for this when naming your kid.  Before you fill out that birth certificate, write the name out and ask someone to read it to you.  If they’re a decently intelligent human being and they get a quizzical look in their eye and attempt 3 pronunciations in one breath, don’t name your kid that word!  Just think of the little tyke going through life with that name: every first day of class, every trip to the doctor, every interview.  By the time he turns 18 he’s going to legally change his name to a number and be formally known as it he’s so sick of his birth name!  Likewise, don’t take a normal name and try and get too jiggy with switching up the letters.  Jimmy is spelled J-I-M-M-Y, not Jhimme.  And if I see another version of Kiley besides Kylee, Kaileigh, or Kyyylei I’m going to explode.  If your child’s name is the most difficult thing he/she learns how to spell by the 4^th grade, let’s not.  That means none of their friends can spell it either.  And if you haven’t heeded my advice and you find yourself correcting people constantly and getting angrier each time, back off.  It’s not our fault that Tania looks like Tuh-nee-ya and not Tawnya.

Rule #2: Don’t get any ideas from All Dogs Go to Heaven
Have you ever been somewhere when a human being has been introduced to an animal and they have the same name?  I have, and it’s super embarrassing.  For that person, and for the pet-owner.  The example that comes to mind I can’t mention because a close friend of mine just named her daughter the most common Labrador Retriever name in the universe.  So we’ll skip that one but let’s review the others: Max, Ollie, Duke, Jackson, Abby, Maggie, or Jake.  Your son or daughter is a person, and shouldn’t come running when the neighbor’s kitty is being called in the house.  So before naming Baby #2 do what I did just now: look up the most popular pet names for the year and stay as far away from any of them as possible.  Unless you want to name your kid Spike, because that would be awesome.

Rule # 3: Don’t choose their career path
Some of you may not be as Gentleman’s Club savvy as I am, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: strippers use fake names.  Granted their real names are often used by other strippers but that’s just the endless cycle of trash in America and we’ll talk about that at a later time.  Even if you’ve never visited a classy joint like The Silver Dollar, I’m sure you’re still familiar with common dancer names like Candy, Ginger, Jade, Jasmine, and Crystal. These names are also often used by southern white gold diggers.  It’s difficult for a woman to command respect when named after a baked good or semiprecious gem.  So, unless you want to become a grandmother at 40 or be financially responsible for your daughter until your death at 95, please reconsider.  Additionally, and this is really super top secret information, many names that were über popular in 2002 are now extremely common stripper names.  Names like Amber, Taylor, Veronica, Desiree, and Lily are all windin’, grindin’ up on the pole at this very moment.  So send in a scout, whether it’s either parent or your creepy brother-in-law Rick, and be sure you have a solid list of names to avoid until you throw Rick’s next bachelor party. 

Rule #4: Don’t be too unoriginal
If you’re dead set on naming your offspring Ann or Michael, perhaps to acknowledge a fallen family member, remember that your child is their own person, and paying homage to you great grandma on your father’s stepmother’s side may sound sweet and cuddly, but your child will be walking home with B-‘s on his Matthew J’s or Elizabeth K’s report card until he reaches college.  I can’t remember how many John’s there were in my 2^nd grade class but I do remember thinking that it would suck to have to differentiate yourself constantly to your own teacher let alone hope they didn’t get the wrong John when you saw John B. shoot a spitwad at Mary T.  The only way your child can pull off a name like that is if you have a ridiculously cool last name like Blankenship, Trueblood, or Huxtable.  Then teach him from an early age to sign his name P.T. Anderson or Bond, James Bond.  (On the contrary, if you have a freakishly wild/embarrassing last name, choosing a more moderate first name may be in order.)

Rule #5: Think of their last name when picking their first.  
I grew up with a guy whose last name was Hull.  He was dead-set on naming his children Lucy Hull and Titus Hull.  Hilarious when you’re 17 and joking, unfortunate when you’re signing Julia Guglia for the rest of your life.  The name Amanda may sound soothing on its own, but stick Loving (knew a girl with that name) after it and you’ve got a disaster on your hands!  This is a rule my parents should have studied when choosing my name.  Besides naming me 2 and a half decades behind 1985, they also felt I would be a strong enough female to walk through 4 years of high school with the initials BJ.  And learning from my parent’s mistakes I’ve had to accept the fact that naming my future son Jack Purvis will ultimately turn him into a child molester.  Speaking of which I went to high school with a kid name John Kanoff whose uncle’s name was Jack.  No effing joke!  Other real life examples: Paige Turner and Summer Lovin.  How cruel parents can be…

There are probably a zillion other baby naming rules that I could think of, and honestly I will probably break a few of them when naming my own children.  But if you feel the way I do that your name can make or break you, bring you fame or bring you shame, then it’s very important to take into consideration your child’s future and what he or she may be content with throughout the 80 or so years of their life.  Yes, Brenda is a very suitable name for a 50-something stay at home mom, but it’s been a struggle the last 25 years and I still have 25 more to go!  And yes mom, I agree that being fifty with a name like Tiffany might be more obnoxious.  But I doubt there was NO grey area between Brenda and Tiffany.  The truth is no matter how hard you try your kid will inevitably hate the name you gave them.  Therefore I have decided that at age 5, 13, and 21 all children should be legally required to rename themselves.  Which would have probably landed me the names My Pretty Ballerina, Mrs. Timberlake, and Sparkles the Tranny.  And thinking about that makes me appreciate my dull name just a little bit more.