Monday, April 5, 2010

Pretty Help is Hard to Find

Has anyone else noticed lately that the employees at Victoria’s Secret have gotten, well, hideous?  Before you say anything remember that I already own a handbasket, and we’re well on our journey.  And I just decided that my handbasket is spray-painted gold and bedazzled.  Because that’s just so me.

I remember a couple years ago when my roommate started working at the local VS.  She had to wear a black blazer and cute pink satin tanks every day, and there were regulations on how much make-up she was required to wear (which was a lot!)  They only hired tall women with breasts, big and/or long hair, with plenty of feminine appeal.  But when I made my last trip to redeem my free monthly panty*, my overtly pretentious opinions were confirmed.  It’s bad enough that there is only one place in middle class America where an attractive bra can be found for $40 more than its really worth, let alone now my sales women are less than qualified to sell mediocre lingerie.

Rewind: many of you are probably thinking: “this coming from the girl who showed up to work at Abercrombie & Fitch everyday either 1. un-showered, 2. hung-over, 3. make-up-less, 4. in Uggs and sweats, or 5. most likely a combo of the others?”

Yes.  Queen of eating her words.  Karma is not my friend.

Now that we got all that out on the table, I’ll tell you why the Vicky’s employee thing unhealthily bothers me.  Like I said before, Victoria’s Secret is the only store of its kind.  Unless you find yourself in large metropolitan areas with loads of cash to shop at boulder-holder boutiques, there really aren’t any stores competing with VS.  And no matter what my mom says, I am aware that department stores do carry bras.  But they’re either just as expensive (hello Macy’s) or plain/boring/no brand/almost as expensive as VS at Target.

And VS has really put the hard work in.  They’ve made some huge names in modeling, continue to have one of the only televised runway shows on a major network, and their marketing team is managed by Satan himself, it's just that good!  As much as I am aware about the Vicky’s monopoly and continue to throw away bras when they break on me in public, I still want to shop there gosh-dangit! (I’m keeping this a family friendly blog, folks.)  I am in love with how their bras look on the hanger, and swear by their flavored lip gloss that costs more than a round of Botox per tube.  I just wish that their employees looked like their models, perhaps to give me the luxurious fantasy-experience I’m looking for.  I am aging fast and becoming quite frustrated when a barely legal bumpkin chooses to chat with another employee rather than help me find my size.  And a word to the bumpkin: always go with a pump when out on the town, even if your flat boots are just so much more comfy!  You’re a bumpkin, you need the flair.

If Victoria’s Secret is going to reel me in (and make me question my sexual orientation) with catalog pictures and seductive commercials with Adriana Lima then at least provide me a capable sales woman in the store.  One who’s out of her training bra and who utilizes the entire room of cosmetics/impulse isle I must trek through on my way to the cashier.

*For the record this is one of my least favorite words in the universe, but it's verbatim what the card says.