Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Answer is Always “Meaningless Sex”

OK.  I know we’re all still reeling from the shock that I, Brenda Johnson (née), landed such a killer dude.  No, no.  I didn’t marry an axe murderer, that’s just my 1992 way of saying he’s totally awesome.  (Circa ’93)  To say that I landed some not-so-killer dudes before him would be a disrespectful understatement.  In fact, eight years worth of imbeciles I had to riffle through to find the one.  From the 16 year old that wrecked two jacked-up trucks and ditched me on the day of my freshman homecoming dance, to the PTSD employee of mine with the palm tree tattoo on his back that read “Loyalty” I mistakenly had a fling with the summer after college.  Those are two very mild examples, be-tee-dubs[1].  Just a long list of winners; some real, bronze medal, Special Olympian winners.  In fact, another thing they all had in common was that they were all absolute, text-book douche bags.  When friends ask me how I found the one I shake my head, raise my shoulders, and grunt something that sounds like ‘idunno’.  I like to think that my Knight in shining armor was my reward for saying “no” to the ultimate used catheter[2] who finally “came around” just when I met someone else.  But that really wouldn’t give my husband enough credit at all.

I hate to bore you out of your gourds and noggins so I will continue on to the juicy, delicious, red grass-fed meat of my story.  I have tried to come up with some dating tips for my single friends, “enlighten them” as you will, about how to find the right mate.  And don’t get me wrong – being single is not a bad thing!  I really can’t emphasize this enough.  I was pretty much single most of my life and I had a ridiculously fantastic time full of wild adventures and amazing friends.  But when you’re ready to cross the bridge of no return that is “finding the one” there are a few things that I think will make the experience more successful for the average to could-turn-into-a-cat-lady individual.

1.  Be single.  Like I said before, I really just cannot say this enough.  If I had never been single I would have never:
1.      Rode a party bus with my best friend and our 2 gentlemen callers of the evening – an amputee and a legal midget.
2.      Bought my puppy Bob Dylan who is unquestionably the best sort-of dog in the doggone world.
3.      Or win a dance off at John Henry’s on Burlesque night that got me a handful of cash and several shots of…whisky maybe?
Being single really shapes you into your true self, and ensures that you have your own stash of secret memories that you can live vicariously enough through to last you 20-30 years of happiness.  Conversely, make sure your future prospective partner does the same.  You don’t want your sig oth of two years to jump ship because they ache to know what “meaningless”[3] sex feels like.  I guess what I’m trying to say is have meaningless sex before you settle down.  Protected, meaningless sex.  No babies.  Embracing your singleness will make you more confident, which will make you more attractive, which will make you more likely to snag a jewel of a suitor. 

2.  Be picky.  Get into a relationship only when that person is worth getting in a relationship with.  And NO, not every guy is worth getting into a relationship with.  In fact most guys aren’t worth getting into a relationship with!  Girls are about 50/50.  Serial monogamists are my biggest pet peeve, second to that Pez dispenser Michelle Duggar, and, while also breaking rule #1, are lessening their chance at finding the right person.  They use a relationship as an excuse to get out of their other one.  When relationships are becoming your way in and out of a relationship, you really have a psychological carousel nightmare on your hands.  Odds are you’re not looking for the perfect person when you’re itching to get away from the dud you’ve been dating but just can’t seem to grow a ball or two to actually dump them.  People that are content to live unhappily in a blah or unhealthy relationship don’t have positive vibes burning through their skull, and those on the outside can certainly sense it.  A quality bachelor/ette is not going to be attracted to your insecure stench, so I say let the ol’ ball ‘n chain loose, eat a tub of Shweddy Balls ice cream, watch Ghost 3-8 times consecutively, and get on with your life!  (Again, commence with meaningless sex.)

3.  Meet people.  I can’t tell you how annoying it is for someone to listen to you bitch about how “I just can’t seem to meet the right guy” yet every Saturday night when I invite you out it’s just another excuse why you’re going to stay in, watch Ghost, and munch on Ben and Jerry’s.  Get a gee golly clue and realize that if you wanted Prince Charming to land on your doorstep without an iota of effort, move to f--king India and get an arranged marriage!  For the third and final time I will advise you to go out and have meaningless sex!  What this will do for you is get you out of the house, make you put less pressure on the idea of the perfect virgin individual that will steal your heart on a white horse, and relieve all that celibate tension and prudeness that you’ve been building up and judging me with.  If anyone were to ever say to me that I didn’t deserve my thoughtful and patient husband because I used to hang out with a lot of guys I might rip their face off.  Then, when I stitched their face back on, I would remind them that you must actually put yourself out in the world for that super special person to find you one day.  Girls that lock themselves up and can’t have fun don’t attract me and I don’t even have a wiener.  Also, men that use the excuse that ladies don’t like them – stop trying to meet hot, blonde 10’s and actually ask out a girl of your own caliber.  They’re better in bed anyway.

There are so many more things that you should and shouldn’t do to meet your Perfect Match at[4]  And don’t you pee your little trousers, I will write about them soon.  These are the basics and the essentials.  Without these rules you will be alone and miserable the rest of your life.  OK, maybe not alone, but they’re really healthy and positive ways to live by, more than to just meet your “other half”.  Keep in mind that there is so much more to life than being in a relationship.  Even the best relationships still suck at times, and like you’ve heard time and again, you’ll find someone when you least expect it.  Honest to goodness.  The less pressure you put on yourself and the more you focus on a full life, the more someone else will want to be a part of it.

Now excuse me while I stop being such a vagina.

[1] Be-tee-dubs, also known as BTW, also known as ‘by the way’ if you live under a Geico sponsored rock.
[2] A used catheter is much worse than a douche bag, and should be used sparingly.
[3] I put meaningless in quotations in this example because your first try at meaningless sex is undoubtedly not meaningless. It really takes practice.  Just don’t take too much practice; that would make you a Jezebel.
[4] Actually, that’s my exception to Rule #3,  Meet hundreds of people just like you, from the comfort and safety of your hoarded home, just make sure to lower your standards by 79%.